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April 26th, 2011 at 9:54pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

No, self. You need to stop telling yourself you're a nice person, and just BE a nice person. Don't be an asshole. If you feel like you're being an asshole, stop, and don't. Because that's not who you are. So stop. Plzthxkbai.

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January 30th, 2011 at 6:47pm]
So I was looking at some old pictures today, and I can't believe how fucking pimply I was! Holy shit. I'm glad we grow out of things like pimples and angst and irrational behavior (for the most part).

Anyway, I'm bored and a bit drunk and it's Sunday night. So I thought an ElJay post was in order.

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Back to the old adage... [Saturday
August 21st, 2010 at 10:22am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

 My stepmom is a crazy bitch. She's not talking to me, she cancelled our hotels in Florida and cancelled her ticket. Told me (via my work email) I need to find my own accommodations. I already paid my half of those hotels, and don't know when the refund is coming through. Regardless, I don't have the money (or enough time on the internet) to schedule some new hotels this close to the trip, which was supposed to be September 2nd. I told her she might as well cancel mine too.

All of this is due to my being such a terrible, awful, mean, disrespectful, manipulative individual. Owing to the fact that I did not refill the gas tank in her truck when I borrowed it to move my LoveSac to my new apartment.

My dad is coming over today at noon to "talk, face to face, you and me". Okay... If you're going to defend her again, Dad, I will tell you "to your face" that you, sir, are a pushover. If you're going to talk about how much you "fought for me", well, you, sir, are still a pushover. Because you never win those battles. It's all for show. If you're going to tell me how much you love me, well, you, sir, told me years ago that the "Sacrament of Matrimony" is a sacrament with God, and therefore comes first in your life. Yes, before the children that you had BEFORE you ever met the bitch. So your words are empty. And you wonder why I've lost my religion.

I have given her love, compassion, trust, forgiveness, and faithfulness for the last 14 years of my life. Yet, I am still a failure in her eyes, not worthy enough to be in her life any longer. "She has to protect her heart", Dad says. From me? Can someone, ANYONE, please explain to me what I have done that's hurt her so bad. She feels like I'm taking advantage of her. Ma'am, if you want to give away your pills and refuse to accept anything that is offered in return for it, how is it taking advantage of you to come and ask for more once in a while? That is- if that is what you are referring to... it's only my best guess.

When your daughter's car breaks down, can't be fixed, and she is in a bind and cannot buy a new car right now, is it not natural for the daughter to ask some assistance of her parents? "Please, can I borrow your 3rd car that you never use for a little while so that I can get to work until I get back on my feet after taking care of a lease break due to unsafe living conditions, trying to fix my car and failing, moving into a new, better, cheaper apartment for the good of myself, all by myself, with the help of a few friends." No, I'm just being selfish. I need to grow up and figure it out on my own. That's part of being an adult. Okay, you want me to be an adult? Then fucking treat me like one! And act like adults yourselves, please?

Yeah, right.... /endrant

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June 27th, 2010 at 8:28am]
 Well, my 21st birthday wasn't exactly what I expected. I didn't feel good, so I didn't go out. Bleh.

What is the standard protocol for what you should do if you tell someone you love them and they don't say it back?

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As of late... [Sunday
June 20th, 2010 at 10:56am]
Argh. So. Much. Going. On. In. My. Life.

Not enough time to write in Livejournal.

So I woke up yesterday to my left wrist completely swollen and severe pain when I tried to move it. 20 mg of oxycosomething later and it felt better. Still tender, but at least I could use it. I also threw up at least 6 times yesterday. I would just be going about my business, then OMGIHAVETOPUKE, puke, then feel fine. I DON'T GET IT.

This morning I woke up with considerable leftover pain in my left wrist, but not as bad, and the swelling has gone down. Now the extreme pain has located itself in my left hip, which also pops at the slightest movement. I am SO sick of being sick. I don't want to be an old lady anymore! I want to be young and go celebrate my 21st birthday without worrying if I'll even be able to walk...

Speaking of my 21st... it's only 6 days away!!! Holy shit! It seems like just yesterday I was saying "only 54 days away!!!" lol. I'm getting old. It's all downhill from here, they say.

At work, I have not been as pleased with the place as in the past. We are getting ready to move to a new warehouse next weekend and everyone is stressing about it. We've also lost about 7 of our long-term employees in the last 6 months. 4 of them were very close friends of mine, and it's been fucking hard to see them go. Especially with bitches like Ashley and Denise still hanging around. They did hire Collin's rooommate, Matt AKA Der, which is way cool. I worry that Der is gonna get sick of me, though, because I spend a lot of time at Collin's. It's like, wake up: I'm there, go to work: I'm there, come home: I'm there, repeat. Collin's not sick of me, though, which makes me so happy.

So I guess I'll take this opportunity to gush about my boy. :) He's so sweet. He loves spending time with me and I love being with him. We work and practically live together but we barely fight. When we do it's about stupid shit and it's resolved within minutes. (Usually by looking it up on the internet to prove who is right- which is usually me.) We have such similar ways of thinking and doing things that we are just constantly happy to be in each other's company, because we want the same things 90% of the time. Like me and Sarah. :) The funny thing about that is that almost every guy I date has similarities with Sarah. If I wasn't such a fan of hetero sex, I'd just make life easier and propose to her. ;) 

Transition to the best friend situation: we're gonna get an apartment together again! I couldn't be happier about it. I don't mind living on my own, but having her there will just be like an added bonus. Plus, it will practically double my wardrobe. :P Also, my neighbors are all grumpy old people or creepy old people and I'm sick of them. One of them put up a sign on the door; "NO SMOKING ON STOOP!!!!!" I wanted to write, "THANKS FOR THE SUPER-FRIENDLY REMINDER!!!!!" Whatever. Sarah and I just have to focus on not getting kicked out of our next apartment. Which should be easy given the lack of psychotic roommates. I mean, you know, other than each other. haha.

I feel like my grammar in this post is sub-par. I'll be registering to go back to school in the Spring. Collin, being the responsible student that he is, is going to help motivate me to get my work done, so that maybe this time it won't feel like such a waste of time and money. I'll be going for my bachelor's in English, with an emphasis on creative writing, and a secondary education licensure. From there, if I feel like being a high school English teacher, I'll do that. If I still feel like being a librarian, I'll go for my Masters in Library Science. And, if the opportunity presents itself, I'm gonna write books. :) I already came up with a hilarious idea for one when I was supa-high the other day. lol.

So my dad recently revealed to pretty much my whole family that I might have lupus because he was drunk. It was really scary and kicked up my anxiety about 500 notches. But it turns out that I have a lot of support. My Great Aunt Kathy took me out to dinner at Anthony's Pizza the other night, and gave me some info on the subject. She has a different kind of lupus  that only affects the skin, but her sister Joanne died from systemic lupus (the kind that my mom and my mom's mom both have) back in the 70's. My grandpa also gave me some pamphlets he got from lupusfoundationcolorado.org and from the look of things, I am currently having nearly all the common symptoms of a flare. I'm working at trying to get some sort of coverage to finally get this shit figured out.

Ok, Harry Potter time. Oh Harry... His adventures have always been my escape. Always. I've gotten through so much shit by reading those books. They really do let me escape to a completely different place like no other book has done. So, in this stressful time, I've taken to re-reading the series again. Well, I did skip the first book, because I've read it at least 15 times. I've lost count. I also keep skipping the first few chapters involving the Dursley's because, well, Muggles are boring. lol. I don't think I'll ever regret my Harry Potter tattoo.

Finally, for my 21st birthday present, Jerelyn is getting me a tattoo. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why it's taken me this long to get a Labyrinth tattoo... Anyway, it's going to be a quote from the movie that says "My will is as strong as yours and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me." I think it's fitting that I will be turning 21 (so, really officially an adult) and that I'm making Jerelyn get it for me. Yes. It's perfect.

Alright, I think that's it for my rant today. Thanks for reading if you made it this far! :)
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Sorry if I wasn't straight out of a movie... [Wednesday
May 19th, 2010 at 10:35am]
Collin played me this song last night and told me it's his new favorite song in the world:

"Be kind when you rewind the story how the two of us
Sometimes you wish it was a little more mysterious
When you look at me with your cinematic eyes
I wanna play the part but I forget the lines

I do it all the time
I never get it right

One day when you replay the slideshow we know
Pictures won't show villians and heroes
It's/Is just me keeping time with you
Butter knife's dull but it still cuts through

We never were
We'll never be

Strangers kissing in the pouring rain
Chasing after your leaving train
But we know that's not how our song goes
You're a waitress in a cocktail bar
And I'll save you cause I'm a big rock star
But we know that's not how our song goes
It goes like this

You didn't like my friends and your mom didn't trust me
I thought I was slick but my moves were rusty
Bought you a 12pack promised you sushi
Sorry if I wasn't straight out of a movie

We never were
We'll never be

Strangers kissing in the pouring rain
Chasing after your leaving train
But we know that's not how our song goes
You're a waitress in a cocktail bar
And I'll save you cause I'm a big rock star
But we know that's not how our song goes

It goes like this
It goes like this"

It's called "Our Song" by The Spill Canvas. My heart about exploded...

I'm falling. Hard, hard, hard. And it's freaking me the fuck out. The future is scary and I don't want to think about it anymore. Can someone just make all of my difficult life decisions for me? Please? AAAahhhh. I feel like I'm 17 again.
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Space Odyssey 2010: The Year We Make Contact [Friday
January 1st, 2010 at 3:15pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Happy New Year!

Here's to a night involving:
-Throwing up in the sink
-All cabs being busy
-Everyone singing "Baby Got Back" on the MallRide
-Pretty sick Beta set with Jonas Temple and
-Manufactured Superstars!!!
-Dancing all night
-Feeling not sick for at least a couple of hours
-Kissing Sarah at midnight
-Go-go dancers from Star Wars
-Michael Jackson is still alive
-Danky-dank dopey-dope
-Pineapple Express

So, in the year 2010, here's to the new:
-New apartment!
-New boyfriend!
-New experiences!

And here's to the old:
-Old friends!
-Great job!
-Good memories!

My New Year's resolution is to make this year the best year it can possibly be. So far, I see a lot of potential.

So, hey everybody! It's twenty-fucking-ten!! :)

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And as long as it's okay with you, I think I'll stay right here. [Sunday
December 6th, 2009 at 10:46pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Dayyyum. I am fucked up. This was my day:

Wake up.
Cuddle with kitty and boy.
Smoke a bowl.
Get my car.
Go to J-lyn's.
Smoke 2 or 3 vap bowls.
Take a Valium.
Take a shower. (finally)
Go to Seruh's.
Drink a Red Bull.
Smoke 3 more bowls.
Drink a Starbucks Double Shot.
Go back to Collin's to get my bag.
Smoke 3 more bowls.
Go home.
Take some crazy muscle relaxer.
Eat some turkey-fucking-noodle soup.
And here I am now.

It's downers vs. uppers and the downers are starting to win.


So, I'm sorry my posts have been so emo as of late. And I'm sorry if anyone feels like I'm not being a good friend. I'm so fucking stressed out from work and overtime and my mother and trying to keep my stepmom happy and trying desperately to spend time with ALL of my friends so that I don't fall out of anyone's loop and am left with no time to myself. I need to get my fucking life together. Pay my bills. Save up a little more money. Find an apartment. Get Christmas presents. Plan my party. It's so overwhelming and intimidating that I just spend my time self-medicating and procrastinating.

I'm about to pull my hair out.

But... there's this boy. He's the fucking shit. I've been picking all the wrong guys lately, and spending waaaay to much energy worrying about it. But here he was all along. I never expected it, but being with him is just so effortless.

And, I mean... lookit him!

So cute! :D

It's like Sarah said. I fuck up and fuck up and fuck up some more. But if I just let go, stop trying so hard, everything just sorta... fixes itself. Which is nice. I just wish I hadn't spent so much time trying so hard and getting nowhere.

I'm just going to buckle down, focus on the things and people that I need to be focusing on, and stop trying to make everybody I know happy. Get this shit together. Grow up.

Mmm. Mmhmm.


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drunk post!!! [Saturday
November 21st, 2009 at 2:46am]
[ mood | drunk ]

I am really drunk right now. Please excuse an y incoherency.

went and partied with amber, caleb, jasmine and stephen.

by th way setephen is really hard to splel when you are drunk.

he asked me do go dancing with him!! omggg!1!


I am a ahppy person. horray for self-medication. oh man. I can lrady tell that when i read this tomorrow it is gonna be rally stupid. I'm gonna go to bed before i do More damage.

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November 3rd, 2009 at 9:25pm]
[ mood | high ]

My mother just said:

"Do you take showers these days?"

-"...I took a shower this morning."

"Oh. Didn't look like it."

Thanks mom.

I need to get the fuck out of here. Anyone want to be my roommate?

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